Keep the wife well informed....

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my
wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! "
____________________________




Moral of the Story: Keep the wife well informed....

How Condoleeza passed her interview

Look closely somewhere around her ankles...

American Headlines from the year 2029...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. American born minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Letter from a mother to her son

Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can t read fast. We don t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won t be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven t seen themsince. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven t found out yet whether it s a girl or a boy so I don t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn t make the last payment on Grandma s funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn t get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time. Nothin much happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

The best 'Out-Of-Office' E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

The five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to
is very WRONG.This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world.You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also
make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so
naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much
you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to
a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, you're better looking
than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who
wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the
top of your lungs because no one can see or

Men are like……

…..placemats
they only show up when there’s food on the table.

…..mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

…..bike helmets
they’re good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

…..government bonds
they take so long to mature.

…..copiers
you need them in reproduction but that’s about it.

…..lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

…..bank accounts
without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

…..high heels
they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

…..curling irons
they’re always hot and always in your hair.

…..mini skirts
if your not careful they’ll creep up your legs.

…..handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

You know you work for the Government when…

1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
4. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
10. You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
11. It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
12. You’re forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP’s, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

Sipho’s answer on Interview

Panel: Tell us about yourself, your background, work experience, educational qualifications.

Sipho: Refer to my CV. I don’t have time to repeat things.

Panel: What do you know about this company?

Sipho: Irrelevant for now. Ask me a week after you have appointed me.

Panel: Why are you interested in working for this company?

Sipho: Why did you advertise?

Panel: Why must we employ you & not other candidates?

Sipho: I don’t answer irrelevant questions. Decision is on you.

Panel: What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Sipho: Strengths: I moer bosses, Weaknesses: I always leave early especially Fridays.

Panel: Describe when you had disagreement with your colleague & what you have done

Sipho: My ex-boss & I hit him.

Panel: Why do you want to leave your employer?

Sipho: Same answer as above.

Women are the best vehicles in the world because

Reasons why Women are the best vehicles in the world:

—2 beautiful headlights in the front
—2 great bumpers at the back
—Self -lubricating when hot
—Finger touch ignition
—Automatic engine oil change every month
—Any type of piston fits.
—Multiple seating styles & adjustments
—-Great accessories
—Highest mileage 9months with just 5ml refill
—That’s why MEN are dying to get a ride

Only black people

Only black people are :

1. Are engaged for 5 years or more.

2. Never bother to divorce. They just separate for the rest of their
lives.

3. Are late to church, work, and everything else, EXCEPT when the “club”
is free before 11:00 PM.

4. Refer to diabetes as “Sukiri”.

5. Wait for movies to premier on SIMUNYE.

6. Drive slowly around town just looking for someone so they can say

“O ka re ke a goitse, ke go bone kae?”

7. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties, etc.
with
a new outfit on, with their nails and hair done, but don’t bring a
wedding present.

8. In relation to #7, they eat like dogs and take a DOGGIE BAG.

9. Consider “clubbing” as a monthly expense.

10. Leave bills (instead of insurance) behind for surviving relatives.

11. Have at least one relative with a criminal record.

12. Will borrow money for a big wedding reception, then live in a flat
with no furniture.

13. Have mothers who can use swear words and religion ALL IN ONE
SENTENCE.

For example, “Ka Modimo ngwana yo o tlile go nyela fa a goroga!”

14. Swear that the Chinese man selling carpets out of a van gives them
the best deals!

15. Have at least one neighbour that “was almost a soccer star”

16. Spend the car insurance money on everything, EXCEPT getting the dent
fixed.

17. Invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child’s
christening party, which happens to have a professional DJ, alcohol but
only about 3 kids and 50 adults in attendance.

18. Have children who are great singers and dancers, but falling behind
in school.

19. Will drive a Lexus, Merc, BMW or Jaguar AND live in a Servant
Quarter ko Block 7 or rent a house ko Mogoditshane or ARE STILL staying
with their Mom.

20. Come over to your house at 8:00 in the morning to “borrow” a cup of
sugar.

21. Will pull up in the church car park blasting out Vee on their
stereo.

22. Will display the labels in designer suits to wear to a class reunion
and try to return it the next day after spilling beer on it, only to
tell the sales person it didn’t fit.

23. Will have on a new outfit every time you see them, but when you ask
them for the money they owe you they always say, “Don’t have it.”

24. Play R100 worth of lottery numbers a week but won’t invest in the
stock & shares. (It’s tooooo risky!!) Yeah

Don’t feel offended i’m also a black person.
LIFE MUST CONTINUE NO MATTER WHAT

Difference between confident and confidential?

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”* Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.

Lazy Husband

This is how to fix a lazy husband ?