They got drake so fucked up

Keep the wife well informed....

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my
wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! "
____________________________




Moral of the Story: Keep the wife well informed....

Girl or Grown up woman?

WHICH ARE U??

GIRL OR WOMAN??

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
Grown women know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.

Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
Grown women say, "Just stop", get up, get dressed and walk it out.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-- using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come.
Grown women make you come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e, don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special -- and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back -- and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women !!

LMAO! What's wrong with people

How Condoleeza passed her interview

Look closely somewhere around her ankles...

American Headlines from the year 2029...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. American born minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Confusing Nairobi signs

SHOWERING: MAN Vs WOMAN

How Women Shower

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.

Lynching in Kenya

Poor fellow... he should not have snatched that mobile phone...

Letter from a mother to her son

Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can t read fast. We don t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won t be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven t seen themsince. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven t found out yet whether it s a girl or a boy so I don t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn t make the last payment on Grandma s funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn t get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time. Nothin much happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

The best 'Out-Of-Office' E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

The five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to
is very WRONG.This makes for an interesting argument when both
parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to
you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world.You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also
make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so
naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much
you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to
a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because you are smart, your RICH and Hell, you're better looking
than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who
wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the
top of your lungs because no one can see or

Sex and First Letter of your name

Sex and your name (it seems to run true!!!) According
to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the
First letter of your First name...what do you think?
(Those of you with names that start with "N" will
probably wish it started with "K"!) 


-A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are
interested in action. You mean business. With you,
what you see is what you get. You have no patience for
flirting and can't be bothered with someonewho is
trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing.
You arean up front person. When it comes to sex, it's
action that counts notobscure hints. Your mate's
physical attractiveness is important to you. You find
the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating.
You are passionate and sexual as well as being much
more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not
go around advertising these qualities. Your physical
needs are your primary concern. 

-B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy
being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy
to receive gifts as an statement of the affection of
your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to
pamper your mate. You are private in your statement of
endearments and particularly when it comes to
lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets
with your approval. You can control your appetite and
abstain from sex if need be. You require new
sensations and experiences. You are willing to
experiment. 

You know you work for the Government when…

1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
4. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
10. You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
11. It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
12. You’re forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP’s, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

Animals behaving like people

Meet some animals who seem to have developed a few human characteristics and traits

Types Of Girls

HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER

RAM GIRLS:
she forget about you, the moment turn her off

WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone know that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access

SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She make horrible thing look beautiful

CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .

VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as “wife” when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try uninstall her you will lose everything…

Sipho’s answer on Interview

Panel: Tell us about yourself, your background, work experience, educational qualifications.

Sipho: Refer to my CV. I don’t have time to repeat things.

Panel: What do you know about this company?

Sipho: Irrelevant for now. Ask me a week after you have appointed me.

Panel: Why are you interested in working for this company?

Sipho: Why did you advertise?

Panel: Why must we employ you & not other candidates?

Sipho: I don’t answer irrelevant questions. Decision is on you.

Panel: What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Sipho: Strengths: I moer bosses, Weaknesses: I always leave early especially Fridays.

Panel: Describe when you had disagreement with your colleague & what you have done

Sipho: My ex-boss & I hit him.

Panel: Why do you want to leave your employer?

Sipho: Same answer as above.

Women are the best vehicles in the world because

Reasons why Women are the best vehicles in the world:

—2 beautiful headlights in the front
—2 great bumpers at the back
—Self -lubricating when hot
—Finger touch ignition
—Automatic engine oil change every month
—Any type of piston fits.
—Multiple seating styles & adjustments
—-Great accessories
—Highest mileage 9months with just 5ml refill
—That’s why MEN are dying to get a ride

Only black people

Only black people are :

1. Are engaged for 5 years or more.

2. Never bother to divorce. They just separate for the rest of their
lives.

3. Are late to church, work, and everything else, EXCEPT when the “club”
is free before 11:00 PM.

4. Refer to diabetes as “Sukiri”.

5. Wait for movies to premier on SIMUNYE.

6. Drive slowly around town just looking for someone so they can say

“O ka re ke a goitse, ke go bone kae?”

7. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties, etc.
with
a new outfit on, with their nails and hair done, but don’t bring a
wedding present.

8. In relation to #7, they eat like dogs and take a DOGGIE BAG.

9. Consider “clubbing” as a monthly expense.

10. Leave bills (instead of insurance) behind for surviving relatives.

11. Have at least one relative with a criminal record.

12. Will borrow money for a big wedding reception, then live in a flat
with no furniture.

13. Have mothers who can use swear words and religion ALL IN ONE
SENTENCE.

For example, “Ka Modimo ngwana yo o tlile go nyela fa a goroga!”

14. Swear that the Chinese man selling carpets out of a van gives them
the best deals!

15. Have at least one neighbour that “was almost a soccer star”

16. Spend the car insurance money on everything, EXCEPT getting the dent
fixed.

17. Invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child’s
christening party, which happens to have a professional DJ, alcohol but
only about 3 kids and 50 adults in attendance.

18. Have children who are great singers and dancers, but falling behind
in school.

19. Will drive a Lexus, Merc, BMW or Jaguar AND live in a Servant
Quarter ko Block 7 or rent a house ko Mogoditshane or ARE STILL staying
with their Mom.

20. Come over to your house at 8:00 in the morning to “borrow” a cup of
sugar.

21. Will pull up in the church car park blasting out Vee on their
stereo.

22. Will display the labels in designer suits to wear to a class reunion
and try to return it the next day after spilling beer on it, only to
tell the sales person it didn’t fit.

23. Will have on a new outfit every time you see them, but when you ask
them for the money they owe you they always say, “Don’t have it.”

24. Play R100 worth of lottery numbers a week but won’t invest in the
stock & shares. (It’s tooooo risky!!) Yeah

Don’t feel offended i’m also a black person.
LIFE MUST CONTINUE NO MATTER WHAT

9 Words Women Use

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 (2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 (3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 (4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
 (5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 (6) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake
 (7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
 (8) Whatever : Is a woman’s way of saying *&^$ YOU!
 (9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.